December 2012


Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation. –Graham Greene

View from my apartment window.  Baku, Azerbaijan.

View from my apartment window. Baku, Azerbaijan.

I am soooo excited about 2013! I love New Years because it’s a time for clean slates. I feel like I’m being given a new chance, a blank chapter that awaits to be written.

Yesterday, during Sunday service, J preached about expecting the best from God and giving our best to God. He quoted one of my life verses: Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

As I lift these prayers to Him for the coming year, I’d like to continue to declare that I only expect the best from God. I know that I am His daughter and He loves cherishes me. 2013, bring it on!

My prayers–

1. That I will continue to walk with Him each day. Relationship is not about ticking off my prayer time and bible study time with God. It’s not about going to Sunday service. It’s about DOING LIFE with Him, which means having him as part of EVERY area of my life.

2. To be part of a happy family. I wasn’t sure if I should write this or not because these days, admitting that you want to be married and have children is something people don’t want to hear. It’s embarrassing. It’s something frowned upon and scary. I feel judged for wanting something so natural. This is the culture we live in. It’s anti-family, anti-children, anti-responsibility. One more time I hear, Just be grateful for what you have, I am going to absolutely scream!

This is really the one thing that’s in my heart. I’m praying that God will give me the chance to be a good wife and mother to a man who loves Him and will cherish me. I’m praying for a man who has good intentions and wholeheartedly wants a family and children. I’m not expecting perfection but I pray that God will bless me with someone who can lead a family, love through words and actions and persevere even through the dark valleys which are inevitable.

This year will be the year of dating again and getting to know new people. I’m nervous because I’m an introvert but I’m also excited to see how God writes my story. 2013, bring it on!

3. To continue building meaningful relationships. I’m blessed with my parents and friendships. There have been trying times and I’ve learned that people fight. It’s inevitable. But cutting off relationships is not a solution. I’m reminded about how Jesus equated anger with murder and how he commands us to reach out and make peace with others before making an offering to God. I’ve taken this to heart. I’ve seen how true forgiveness, which means literally giving another a blank slate, can save relationships. And I’ve seen how anger and silence bludgeons them. I’m happy that some people who I didn’t expect to still be are around are by my side. That’s true friendship. I’d like to continue building these old friendships as well as cultivate new ones. I also want to have the strength to pray and love those who’ve cut me off from their life. That’s what Jesus did when I cut Him off from my life. I want to be like Him.

Phew. Two thouuusand thiiirteeeen, bring it on!

4. To continue being passionate about teaching my students. I’m so blessed with my twelve angels and it looks like I’m going to have one more. I just want to continue giving my best to them.

5. To eat healthier and continue taking long walks everyday. I’ve been eating rice for only once a month now and I’ve been walking 5 to 10 kilometers a day. Tomorrow, it will be time to limit sweets to once a week.

6. To learn Russian 10 hours a week.

7. To continue exploring Baku, take photos and blog. To continue reading and going to my book club.

Now reading "Snow" by Orhan Pamuk  So far, so good.

Now reading “Snow” by Orhan Pamuk So far, so good.

God, I can’t wait to see how you answer my prayers. 2013, bring it on!!

I’ve only been in Baku for four months, and so far it’s been a really peaceful city. I was surprised when on my walk home, I saw a bearded man donning a top hat, carrying three flags: the Azerbaijani flag, Turkey, and I’m not sure about the other one. He had compatriots following. The riot police surrounded them but looked very calm and composed.

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Thank you, WordPress, for sharing!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 7,700 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 13 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Let me start by saying that I didn’t want to get up this morning. I signed up for the prayer group in church, and today was my turn to lead. Thankfully, duty trumped grief, so I got up and took a shower.

In the past, I would pray for guidance on what to pray about. But these past few days have been difficult. I can’t pray. I have no words, at least, nothing proper. Nothing that I think, with my limited mind–and believe me, it is limited–nothing that I think God would want to hear.

The only story that kept popping into my head was Lazarus’s death. So with bible app on hand, I went to the meeting devoid of prayer points. All I had was this story in which I could fully empathize with Mary.

Mary had a relationship with Jesus and everyone knew it.–verse 2 (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.)

It’s very difficult for me to understand these verses. Why did Jesus wait?–verses 5 Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 6 So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days — Why didn’t He save Lazarus? Pachimoo? (Russian for why, currently my favorite word.)

This is me blaming God for death.–verse 32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

I know that Jesus is with me through grief. — verse 33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 35 Jesus wept.

And then there is the ugly beast of shame. I want people around me to know that my God is real, not some delusion I created to make me feel better. — verse 37 But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

J, is our prayer group leader in church. He is a simple African man. Today, God used him to speak into my heart. I told him I couldn’t pray. All I had was this story. He started praying for me and his words breathed life into my heart. The fog of grief I woke up with, literally lifted. He also told me to praise God for the grief I was in. What praise God for this?? Are you kidding??, would be my normal reaction, and there is no way that I would be able to in an authentic manner. But I’m doing this Christ who strengthens me. I see things from the perspective of eternity, not my self-centered emotions.

So now that I’m done with my looong prelude, here are 7 things that I am thankful for in 2012.

1. My relationship with Christ.

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Ritual is so much easier than relationship. Relationship involves time, prayer and letting God into every area of my life. Relationship means doing life with someone. Sometimes it means giving up things that are not aligned to His will because I love Him more than anyone and anything. I’m thankful that through the ups and downs He is there and I know in my heart He is good all the time and wants what is best for me. God is awesome. Thank you, God, for never giving up on me in spite of my shortcomings.

2. I’m thankful for my relationship with my Dad and Mom.

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It’s also been a roller-coaster ride with my parents. But in spite of everything, I would say that my parents and I have a very authentic relationship. We are so honest with each other. We can say anything we want and know that at the end of the day we will still be here for each other. Our relationship, our family, is more important than our pain. I believe that we are designed to always have a connection with our parents. Sometimes it’s painful, and it involves a lot of forgiveness and letting go of “being right”. I’m glad that my parents and I have a solid relationship no matter what the circumstances are.

3. I’m grateful for the death of someone I love.

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I’ve accepted that I’ll never see this person’s buck-tooth smile again. I’ll never hug this person or hear their voice or receive another email. I’m grateful that this death is not the end. I will see this person again in heaven. This is where I go back to Lazarus’s Death. At the end of the story, Lazarus lives again. I’m looking forward to that day.

I’m also not going to let death define something that was full of happiness, joy and love. I’m not going to ask pachimoo anymore because the reality is, there is no answer. Only hope. Only resurrection in Christ.

4. I’m grateful for friends everywhere. In the Philippines, US, India and now, Azerbaijan.

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I love my friends. They have been a great blessing to me all of my life. Real friends stick together no matter what.

5. I’m grateful for my first grade class.

My beautiful first graders.

My beautiful first graders.

I love my little angels.

6. I’m thankful for my India experience!

The children of the Adivasi tribal community.

The children of the Adivasi tribal community.

I loved the teachers I worked with and just being immersed in a diverse culture.

7. I’m grateful for living in beautiful Baku.

Icherisheher metro station

Icherisheher metro station

And I’m looking forward to more open blue skies.

Thank you, 2012. You were a difficult year but I survived you. Thank you for the ups and downs. One more day and it’s 2013! I can’t wait!

One of the New Year trees, somewhere between the Bulvar and Icherisheher.

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On my almost-daily-walk to Sahil.

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